my irrational fear

I need to write more. I’ve been feeling a creativity lull lately, and it’s not good. I’m afraid of losing my creative side because I haven’t been using it. Use it or lose it, right?

Liking something you’ve created is such a joy, and I’m afraid by not using my creativity, I will be so rusty by the time I decide to be creative again that I will hate what I create and never want to try being creative again, and then I’ll be stuck in this endless cycle of bland, boring, blah.

Basically, I afraid of becoming an accountant. This would be terrifying in itself, as you do not want to see me try to crunch numbers. But I work with accountant-people. It’s scary, those numbers people. My co-worker bounces in her seat at the chance to do math (wtf!?). I simply do not understand this girl.

How could numbers be so exciting? She tells me it’s because she likes having a concrete right answer.

I think the thing with numbers people is that they are afraid to be wrong. Have you ever been in a group project and you had to create a poster of some kind? The numbers-person if the first one to volunteer for anything other than being the person to draw a picture on a poster.  I don’t think it’s that they can’t draw — they are just more comfortable doing something perfectly correct, than creating something that could be judged many ways.

And, by opting to avoid practicing creativity because of fear of failure, they don’t improve their creative skills. Any creativity they had shrivels up from neglect. Then when they are forced to use it, it comes out like crap, and they vow never to be creative again.

Creative people, though, are used to crap. They know that you need a lot of crap to grow a garden. If you keep writing, painting, making — trying — you will create something other than crap. You will.

So, here’s to not being perfect. Let’s celebrate failing. I will make something and not judge it.  The creative process is beautiful in itself, so let’s not get caught up in the perfectness of accountant-land. Let’s make a glimmering mess.

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